Music - Do I hear what you hear?

I love to listen to music. Growing up I would often listen to music with my hearing aids off and headphones on. Yet I often wonder if I hear the same as other people hear. I know that my hearing loss is not a straight line, I hear some sounds louder than other sounds. This must alter the music that I hear to some degree.

Most of the time I listen to music through my hearing aids. My hearing aids alter the sound that comes into my ears. I know that some sounds are a lot more mechanical to me when I'm wearing my hearing aids then when I am not.

All this leads me to the conclusion that I have no idea how music really sounds. I remember watching American Idol and asking my husband if the person was singing good or not. I simply cannot tell.

I do know what I like and don't like. In the end that is all that matters. As curious as I am to what the difference is between my ears and "normal" ears it's not an answer I would ever obtain. And if I did I might not enjoy the same sounds that I do now.

There is only one aspect of music that I know would be different if I didn't have a hearing loss: base. I can't stand base. My ears are very sensitive and base hurts. In my car I have the base turned down as far as it will go. The few rock concerts I have gone to leave my ears ringing and numb for a day or more after wards. Today it seems a lot of people my age really enjoy base while I run fleeing in the other direction.

I'm sure some of this comes down to aesthetics. But when dealing with a hearing loss how much is the loss affecting the aesthetics? I already know I avoid base more than I would if my hearing was fine. It's a mystery that shall remain buried.

The Battle of Batteries

Hearing aids run on batteries. They are small, watch sized batteries. The smaller the hearing aid, the smaller the battery. So small that for an arthritic hand they are often extremely hard to manipulate.

There are several different sizes of batteries. Most know them by numbers, I know them by color. This is more than likely due to getting hearing aids at such a young age. To this day I refer to my batteries as brown and orange rather than 12 and 312 (I can't tell you which number belongs to which color). And no one ever knows what I'm referring to.

The life of a hearing aid battery is short: 1-2 weeks on average. If a hearing aid is weak or running at full power it's battery life will be shorter. This is why I am concerned my left hearing aid has an issue: it's going through batteries at a faster rate than normal.

A hearing aid has several different ways to indicate low battery life. For my old analog hearing aids the sound would get softer and softer. These hearing aids had a volume control on them, so I would end up with the volume all the way up before I realized the battery needed to be changed. Some hearing aids will just become quiet when the battery dies. My newest ones beep. When this happens I often turn schizophrenic. The first beep tends to scare me and cause me to jump. The second beep is supposed to come a minute later but often comes immediately. I can be heard saying "all right, all right" mid sentence when my battery starts dying as a start to grab a new battery.

When I was a teenager I once dropped a new battery into a friend's backyard. We had a search party rummaging through the grass looking for the tiny battery. It was the only one I had on me and I was so very happy when it was found!

Disability

A debate on a chat board I post on got me thinking about the phrase disability and what it means to me. From a medical model I do have a disability: my ears do not work as they should. From a personal viewpoint I am not disabled.

A disability is something that hinders a person's life. My hearing loss enriches my life. It is as much a part of me as my brown curly hair, my Russian heritage, or my long second toe. Some may say that my hearing loss is a disability because it affects my ability to communicate. That is a struggle I have. But it is only a struggle to those that make it a struggle. One on one, I am usually fine. It is noisy or crowded places where I run into trouble. However this is also how I know the people that truly care for me and respect me. They are the people that make these kinds of situations work for communication. The problems are only for spoken communication, however. Any environment with light works for ASL.

Even as a child I didn't accept myself as impaired. I won't do so as an adult. If my ears were perfect I wouldn't be writing this blog, I wouldn't have my current occupation, I would not have met my bridal party members, I would not have a deaf cat. I have no idea who I'd be
today with "perfect" ears, all I know is I would not be me.

So I'm perfect the way I am. The only thing wrong with me, in my mind, is a kidney functioning at 30% and a bulging disc in my neck. The rest is as it should be.

Q-tips: I caved

Last night I used a Q-tip. I had just taken off my hearing aids and washed my face and my right ear felt like there was water in it. I tried to ignore it but I couldn't. So I very carefully and cautiously used a Q-tip with the sole intention of getting the liquid out and not hurting my ear. Amazingly I was very successful. I think this has only helped fuel my desire and ability to quit.

It's been 9 days and my ears are already changing. The Q-tip did not look or feel like it normally does (I'll spare you the gross details). I can already see that my ears are healing themselves. I am more determined than ever to kick this bad habit.

However I am also sitting here with very itchy ears that desperately want to be cleaned out. It seems I've done two steps forward, one step backward. I'm not counting this as a failed resolution, just a learning curve.

The itchiness calls to me. I am so tempted to shake my hearing aids around in my ears. I am resisting. My hearing aids will be taken off tonight the minute I arrive home!

Q-tip Resolution - Day 5

While I have been good with not using Q-tips I have created a substitute: my fingers. This is partly a habit I created a long time ago but is intensified with my lack of Q-tip swabbing. For the health and safety of my ears I need to stop putting anything in my ears except for hearing aids. I'll take this one in baby steps.

I am finding it easy to not grab a Q-tip by making it my resolution. This definite goal and having an audience is helping me adhere to it this time around. My goal is to make it to the end of January. A habit is formed after 3 weeks. Therefore if I manage to survive a month without using Q-tips I will have created a new habit for myself. Furthermore the less I use Q-tips (and subsequently finger scratching) the healthier my ears will become. My theory is that in a months time my desire for Q-tips will have lessened since my ears will feel better when I take my hearing aids off. Only 26 more days until the answer is found.

Baby steps.

Holiday Noise Polution and Q-tip resolution update

The holidays for most people involves many people in a small space and lots of noise. For me that equals isolation. More people equates to more noise which equates to more difficulty in understanding. Add that to the chaos of gifts being open, wrappers crinkling, music playing in the background, and I'm lucky if I can follow any of the conversations.

I've learned the skills of sitting and nodding, smiling absently, and only asking for clarification when it's absolutely necessary.

Therefore I prefer a quiet and small holiday setting. It's hard to come across these settings as families continue to grow and the important members swell. At least during the December holidays I'll have a gift or two to open and play with when my ears give out on me.

As for the Q-tips: Knowing that I would be quitting come Jan 1 I went back to using them this past week. I tried to be gentle but I know that is still not enough. Since I'm home today and feeling a cold coming on I may not even wear my hearing aids today. If I don't wear them for two days in a row that should decrease on the moisture and will hopefully make the transition easier. If I do wear my hearing aids today rest assured they will be off prior to midnight so that I can have one last enjoyable swabbing.

New Year’s Resolution:

I am a week early but I feel it’s time to start planning my New Year’s Resolution. Overall I plan to be more motivated, since this will affect all areas of my life and not just a simple resolution that is so easy to break. I do have two specific resolutions in addition:

1) To be better with this blog. It has been running on almost E practically since I started. So my plan for 2009 is to write one entry a week, or at least 2 entries per month. Check in and see how I do, this will be one resolution that will be blatantly obvious when it fails.

2) To quit using Q-tips. I had almost succeeded a month ago. I had been sick and not worn my hearing aids for several days, therefore the grease content of my ears was relatively mild. But I do love the feeling of a Q-tip right after taking my hearing aids off and I fell back into my bad habit rather quickly. Fast forward to today where I have irritated my right ear so badly I can’t wear my hearing aid. To add insult to injury I have my annual physical this afternoon and am destined to receive a lecture from my doctor once she looks into my ears.

My Q-tip addiction will be a struggle. With no disrespect to smokers I equate it to breaking the nicotine addiction. For a smoker they enjoy smoking but need to stop due to health reasons (or a variety of other reasons I am sure). For me I enjoy Q-tips but am obviously hurting myself in the process and need to stop. I am giving myself a week to try and stop, but come January 1st I plan on going cold turkey.

I’m sure a great deal of my January entries will be related to Q-tip withdrawal. My biggest issue is that even if I don’t use Q-tips I will often stick my fingers in my ears. I may need to purchase gloves to wear inside the house.
A Happy Holidays to all who may be reading. Wish me luck as I begin this journey. Luck is also needed in getting my right ear able to wear it’s hearing aid so that I can hear and enjoy the holidays.