Disability

A debate on a chat board I post on got me thinking about the phrase disability and what it means to me. From a medical model I do have a disability: my ears do not work as they should. From a personal viewpoint I am not disabled.

A disability is something that hinders a person's life. My hearing loss enriches my life. It is as much a part of me as my brown curly hair, my Russian heritage, or my long second toe. Some may say that my hearing loss is a disability because it affects my ability to communicate. That is a struggle I have. But it is only a struggle to those that make it a struggle. One on one, I am usually fine. It is noisy or crowded places where I run into trouble. However this is also how I know the people that truly care for me and respect me. They are the people that make these kinds of situations work for communication. The problems are only for spoken communication, however. Any environment with light works for ASL.

Even as a child I didn't accept myself as impaired. I won't do so as an adult. If my ears were perfect I wouldn't be writing this blog, I wouldn't have my current occupation, I would not have met my bridal party members, I would not have a deaf cat. I have no idea who I'd be
today with "perfect" ears, all I know is I would not be me.

So I'm perfect the way I am. The only thing wrong with me, in my mind, is a kidney functioning at 30% and a bulging disc in my neck. The rest is as it should be.

Q-tips: I caved

Last night I used a Q-tip. I had just taken off my hearing aids and washed my face and my right ear felt like there was water in it. I tried to ignore it but I couldn't. So I very carefully and cautiously used a Q-tip with the sole intention of getting the liquid out and not hurting my ear. Amazingly I was very successful. I think this has only helped fuel my desire and ability to quit.

It's been 9 days and my ears are already changing. The Q-tip did not look or feel like it normally does (I'll spare you the gross details). I can already see that my ears are healing themselves. I am more determined than ever to kick this bad habit.

However I am also sitting here with very itchy ears that desperately want to be cleaned out. It seems I've done two steps forward, one step backward. I'm not counting this as a failed resolution, just a learning curve.

The itchiness calls to me. I am so tempted to shake my hearing aids around in my ears. I am resisting. My hearing aids will be taken off tonight the minute I arrive home!

Q-tip Resolution - Day 5

While I have been good with not using Q-tips I have created a substitute: my fingers. This is partly a habit I created a long time ago but is intensified with my lack of Q-tip swabbing. For the health and safety of my ears I need to stop putting anything in my ears except for hearing aids. I'll take this one in baby steps.

I am finding it easy to not grab a Q-tip by making it my resolution. This definite goal and having an audience is helping me adhere to it this time around. My goal is to make it to the end of January. A habit is formed after 3 weeks. Therefore if I manage to survive a month without using Q-tips I will have created a new habit for myself. Furthermore the less I use Q-tips (and subsequently finger scratching) the healthier my ears will become. My theory is that in a months time my desire for Q-tips will have lessened since my ears will feel better when I take my hearing aids off. Only 26 more days until the answer is found.

Baby steps.

Holiday Noise Polution and Q-tip resolution update

The holidays for most people involves many people in a small space and lots of noise. For me that equals isolation. More people equates to more noise which equates to more difficulty in understanding. Add that to the chaos of gifts being open, wrappers crinkling, music playing in the background, and I'm lucky if I can follow any of the conversations.

I've learned the skills of sitting and nodding, smiling absently, and only asking for clarification when it's absolutely necessary.

Therefore I prefer a quiet and small holiday setting. It's hard to come across these settings as families continue to grow and the important members swell. At least during the December holidays I'll have a gift or two to open and play with when my ears give out on me.

As for the Q-tips: Knowing that I would be quitting come Jan 1 I went back to using them this past week. I tried to be gentle but I know that is still not enough. Since I'm home today and feeling a cold coming on I may not even wear my hearing aids today. If I don't wear them for two days in a row that should decrease on the moisture and will hopefully make the transition easier. If I do wear my hearing aids today rest assured they will be off prior to midnight so that I can have one last enjoyable swabbing.

New Year’s Resolution:

I am a week early but I feel it’s time to start planning my New Year’s Resolution. Overall I plan to be more motivated, since this will affect all areas of my life and not just a simple resolution that is so easy to break. I do have two specific resolutions in addition:

1) To be better with this blog. It has been running on almost E practically since I started. So my plan for 2009 is to write one entry a week, or at least 2 entries per month. Check in and see how I do, this will be one resolution that will be blatantly obvious when it fails.

2) To quit using Q-tips. I had almost succeeded a month ago. I had been sick and not worn my hearing aids for several days, therefore the grease content of my ears was relatively mild. But I do love the feeling of a Q-tip right after taking my hearing aids off and I fell back into my bad habit rather quickly. Fast forward to today where I have irritated my right ear so badly I can’t wear my hearing aid. To add insult to injury I have my annual physical this afternoon and am destined to receive a lecture from my doctor once she looks into my ears.

My Q-tip addiction will be a struggle. With no disrespect to smokers I equate it to breaking the nicotine addiction. For a smoker they enjoy smoking but need to stop due to health reasons (or a variety of other reasons I am sure). For me I enjoy Q-tips but am obviously hurting myself in the process and need to stop. I am giving myself a week to try and stop, but come January 1st I plan on going cold turkey.

I’m sure a great deal of my January entries will be related to Q-tip withdrawal. My biggest issue is that even if I don’t use Q-tips I will often stick my fingers in my ears. I may need to purchase gloves to wear inside the house.
A Happy Holidays to all who may be reading. Wish me luck as I begin this journey. Luck is also needed in getting my right ear able to wear it’s hearing aid so that I can hear and enjoy the holidays.

Expensive adventures foreseen

I am having trouble hearing out of my left hearing aid. The sound is muffled and I have the urge to turn the sound up even though there are no volume controls. Yet I am hearing all right. The battery concerns me: I think my battery life is diminished and I changing batteries more often. All signs lead towards needing to bring my hearing aid in to be checked up. The problem is that my warranty expired in April.

I am dragging my feet on getting this checked out. I know it will more than likely need to be sent back to the shop to be repaired. In that case it will cost a couple hundred dollars. Having just replaced our furnace at home I really was not looking forward to another big-ticket expense.

To complicate factors further my audiologist is not close to my home or my work. I love this place dearly but the location does cause me to put off visits.

I need to just call and set up an appointment and take time off from work to get my hearing aid fixed. Especially now before the holidays are in full swing and I’m without my hearing aid as it gets repaired. Seeing as my left ear is my strong ear I’m really lost without my hearing aid. I have my old aid that I could use, but for family functions where sound is difficult I would still be struggling.
Tomorrow I will call and set up some time to bring my hearing aid in. What ever is wrong with my hearing aid I have been suspecting for a couple of weeks now. This means it is not going to go away, just get worse. I’ll keep my fingers crossed that it’s something simple, something easy to take care of. I won’t be holding my breath.

My Love Affair with Q-tips

I have a very special relationship with Q-tips. I use them every day to clean out my ears. After taking off my hearing aids I cannot get to them fast enough. My ears are rather greasy with the hearing aids in, so when I take them off they have a very wet feeling. I can master two Q-tips, one in each ear, at the same time. And they are both cleaning rather fast. It’s a very pleasant and enjoyable experience that keeps me coming back for more.

When I was a teenager I started to have some oozing in my right ear. It was a few years later that I realized that this was due to the Q-tips. Unbeknownst to myself Q-tips are on the list of no-no’s. They hurt the ear and cause issues.

I have spent the past 10 years trying to quit. I fail. Badly. I love my Q-tips. Now after I am done cleaning my ears hurt and they continue to have the oozing problem. But I can’t stop. I may not have many vices but this one is big, and I am addicted.

I managed to quit for a period of about a month. It was just prior to my wedding and I developed an infection from my Q-tip habit. I couldn’t even wear my hearing aids never mind use a Q-tip. I was proud of myself; though it was unpleasant I had finally broken the habit.

At this point I learned that my Q-tip habit caused my ear to swell. Without the habit my hearing aids didn’t fit. My right mold would slide repeatedly out of my ear and emit a high-pitched sound as it did so. I didn’t have enough time to get a new mold before the wedding and none of my old molds fit. My family came up with one simple solution: start using the Q-tips again.

So I went back to my bad habit. It helped but not enough: my wedding video shows me pushing my hearing aid in multiple times. Once I got a new mold I tried to quit again and failed.

In fact, I have tried on and off for the past year to quit. I get a good streak going and then I come home after a long day. I’m tired, I’m stressed, and my ears are very moist. I take off my hearing aids and ignore the Q-tip ritual. A few minutes later my fingers will be in my ears or I will have succumbed to the Q-tip. It’s not attractive but it’s a habit.

I need to join a Q-tip Anonymous group. That is if I can ever find another person who loves it the same as me. It’s very sad that I have to give up something I find so pleasurable. Yet every night my ears are red and inflamed and I know I am in for more trouble the following day.
Just say no to Q-tips if you can. If you can’t come join Q.A. with me, we can discuss which brands work best.